Heaven and Hell

For those that insist that there is no heaven or hell, I wonder at their reasoning.

 For many who reject the notion of God or heaven some tragic event is often the cause and their rejection of God is a way of hiding from pain and confusion.  For others, they follow the paths of their associates because of tradition, perceived coolness, confusion or they are flirting with a desire to do what they want without perceived limits on what is acceptable.  For others still, they may have traveled paths of darkness for so long that is all they now see and feel and there is no room for God or miracles.  And still there are those who insist that God cannot coexist with scientific "facts."  I'm sure there are other reasons but I think I have covered a majority of reasons above.

For those who insist there is a heaven and Gof is real there are also many reasons behind their beliefs.   Some believe that a miracle has occurred at some point in their lives.  Others follow the traditions of their families and some follow friends examples.  Some cannot accept that this amazing world we live in is a matter of chance, that we evolved from one cell organisms in the ocean.  Others cite feelings as their proof or other unexplained emotions or desires.

Whatever the reason, one way or the other one truth is clear...our lives are complex, sometimes mysterious, confusing and strange.  Why?  What is the purpose of life?

Each person must find their own way.  But, as I have experienced in my life we need not experience life alone.  In fact I truly found myself again because I was able to confide in others the secrets I had carried for years, the utter disappointments in myself consumed my disposition so much that I truly began losing my ability to be the person I wanted to be deep inside.  How did I get to the point where I felt my life wasn't very important anymore?   How did I get to the point of  hiding my faults and struggles from everyone, even myself?  It was not overnight.

I thought I was still progressing in life.  I thought that because I loved my wife, worked hard in my job and tried to do my best in my church callings that the atonement would make up for my shortcomings at some point.  Honestly, I gave up trying to overcome my sexual addictions even though I told myself I could overcome this on my own.  Basically, I became delusional and my wife saw it and FELT it, but I was lost in a world of protection.  You see, the ironic thing is I thought I was protecting my family from pain.  I thought they would be so proud of me one day if I could only overcome this on my own...I would tell them, someday.  I didn't even see it... I really did not see that I was being led slowly down into a deep place void of truth and honesty and hope.  I was slowly being boiled and my family was getting the steam.

I remember the day I told my sweet wife about my addictions.  She and I were not in a good place to begin with.  I had hurt her so much emotionally that she had become a shell of the woman she used to be.  Her smile had faded.  Her spontaneous and fun loving personality had dissipated and her desires to be near me physically or emotionally had dissolved.  She had become a different person and I was delusional.   I had slowly put her in a kettle if boiling water and turned up the heat without her or I even knowing it.  Both she and I were dying inside but for different reasons.  It finally came to a head and I knew, I knew that today was the very day I would put it all on the line.  I would confess to her and she would know.  I for the life if me couldn't hold into it any longer.  I never intended to lie, to keep a dark secret from her but in all honesty I was protecting myself, not her.

How do I know that heaven and he'll exist?  I felt them both pulling at me with all of their efforts, at the same time!  Some things are not easily expressed in words but I 'll try.  I purged myself.  And, I had a difficult time doing it.  Something so dark and embarrassing and hurtful was not easy to share.  I wrote a letter.  As she read the letter I couldn't help but look at her, look away from her in fear and look at her again.  I felt fear.  I was letting her into a part of my life that after a decade of marriage she never knew existed.  I watched as she cried and grew angry, repulsed, confused and as her mind now raced, every synapse firing- I can imagine she was trying to sort all of this out in her head.  Was I bring truthful?  Was I hiding more?  Had I cheated on her?  How could she live with me now?  Are the kids safe around me?  Every ravaging thought swirling and churning in her head.  Some say that God will never give us more than we can handle.  Well, God didn't give this to her, I did!  But, God would help her understand herself better than she ever did before, in time.

She had to leave the house.  She had to get away from me and she couldn't hold this utter pain inside, I can imagine it was consuming her!  She told her sister.  She purged her thoughts and experiences, concerns and fears.  She was brought low.  So low.  And, I was lost.  Pained, scared of losing everything and everyone I had ever cared about.  I was worried for my wife.  Sick for her and as soon as she got back and we talked again for a bit before she said she needed to be alone and go to bed I told her I needed to get away for a while as well.

I drove and drove for nearly two hours down roads I had never traveled before ending in the middle of a pitch black road in the middle of nowhere.  I sobbed, I choked, I cried and prayed for my wife.  I prayed to God asking if He knew me and was aware of what was happening?  I walked in the pitch black night down this street, scared.  I didn't know what to do, where to go.  I was ultimately trying to hide from myself once again.  I realize that now.  But I needed that time, just me and God, to reflect and gain a testimony of my carelessness, my infidelity of trust and lack of respect.  I needed to feel alone.  I needed to feel rejected of God although I never was... I needed to feel that separation from Him.  I placed that separation there.  I did it.  And, although my addiction was a result of challenges as a youth and child, I chose to hold it inside and not inside our marriage.

I remember attending my first addiction recovery meeting.  I sat among brothers who had endured many years of similar despair, deceit and delusions.  So many stories had
almost identical paths...nearly identical curiosities, trials, struggles and reactions and then ultimately hidden challenges.  But, here they were sharing their struggles, some new to the meeting and others more in control of their lives.  And here I was.  I sobbed heavily as I shared some details of my life and current struggles and how dejected and pained my wife then was.  I hurt more than I ever thought possible.  I also felt love and compassion and safety, I felt accepted and heard stories of success.  It felt wonderful.  But as I drove home I felt Satan attacking me in my thoughts.  Telling me it would be better if I didn't exist and were to ultimately get into a car accident.  I knew this was wrong but I felt that maybe my wife and kids would be better off.  It's interesting, how Satan disguises what seems to be caring for others within our own selfish pity and desires to run and hide.  I learned that his course has been tried for generations and the reasons there are so many similarities between the men's stories is because Satan has perfected his ungodly mess and practices.  I felt both the presence of God in that meeting...His Spirit was in such amazing abundance and I felt Satan attempting to keep me from completing a true process of repentance that would take many months and years to complete.

Is God and heaven real?  Absolutely and unequivocally yes!  I have not seen Him in this life.  I have not spoken with him in audible words.  But the pains that have been lifted from my life.  The honesty I have been able to experience, the satisfaction in my present relationship with God, the feelings of guilt that have been lifted from me, the lessons I have learned in how to better communicate and truly "listen" to my wife, the focus that I have found in work and study, the joy I feel daily in simple things and the beauty I now see in life only attest to that fact in all reality that there is a God, there is God and his Son Jesus Christ and the atonement is real!

Chains, sparks and future

Life is full of passion and pleasure and hope. Contained within the bounds our Lord has set. It's so easy to fall off course as a man, natural, carnal and instinctive, and pursue other paths, which trap and cheapen, hide and withhold, darken and chain down. Pornography, mental or visual is controlling and tears at the values our Lord has established. Passion, pleasure, love and touch are turned vile, without affection, selfish and hidden rather than shared. I've been there, trapped and pushing this sin away while keeping a chain clasped to my ankle, always there. At times I venture down clean, fresh paths, but who am I kidding, the chain remained. I would fight it... drag it... at times it weighed a gazillion pounds and I could not escape until I gave in and follow the chain to its source, gave in and then threw the ball as far away as possible, again, in disgusted and vowing to never return again. Links were not added, they were taken away, dragging me closer, deeper, closer to the source. This cannot be beat...on your own.

      Presenting myself in all honesty before my bishop, stake president and Savior cut the links, however the chain remained.  Through continuous efforts I pull further away from that which held me a prisoner. Now sparks follow me as I pull the chain. I've hurt so many especially my sweet wife. The sparks are her pains lighting up as I continue on and she is left to deal with such pains.   But as I continue on, faithful, honest, clean and open, I lose links in the chain. Will I ever be free? I'm not certain, but I can be pure and escape, though I've left scratches in the road.

I am on the road pursuing the right direction. Will she ever be free of those sparks, dents and scratches I brought along? I pray yes... Oh- I pray yes!

So much pain...

I called the Stake President but he was away at girls camp.  The fist counselor was gone as well.  The second counselor was available to meet with us that night.  I remember the second counselor listening attentively, but somehow he didn't understand the  complete challenge and strain in our marriage.  How could he realistically understand what transpired in ten years and was summed up through confession and tears in one hour?  I remember feeling grateful to have confessed.  He encouraged us to meet with our Bishop who was very newly called.  We did, and I recall feeling like a literal weight of bricks had been lifted from off of my back almost immediately...I felt tremendous relief.  The thing is...those bricks were transferred directly to my tender hearted wife and continued to drag her lower and lower.

Just because I confessed didn't mean I was out of the woods.  I never looked at pornography again and that may seem like an easy, "well yeah" but in reality it was a  real accomplishment, a gift given to me by my Father in Heaven for my honesty.  I can't say that I stopped having bad thoughts or that prior viewings didn't pop into my head at various times, of course it did, but I found it so much easier to shrug off those thoughts.

I knew that I needed more help than a Bishop could offer.  In true retrospect I really don't think my Bishop offered much help throughout my continued recovery.  He would check in from time to time but we never had any truly deep conversations... This is probably good for both of us.  He is not a trained counselor or therapist and I definitely needed a trained therapist!  My wife and I attended couples counseling through LDS family services for a few months but I felt uncomfortable there.  It wasn't the sharing that bothered me, but the family services worker.  In retrospect, I had a hard time with him.  I felt extremely judged and looked down upon.  I knew the sorrows and depths of my soul and I got caught up in thinking and focusing on myself and my feelings while those feelings of my wife were foreign to me.  I continued to hide my deepest feelings of anger with myself, frustration in our marriage and feeling ashamed and unworthy.  Truly I resented myself, thought lowly of myself though I tried to put on a positive face before all others.  It was hard to admit that I had failed in life.  I had failed in many ways.  I, I, me, my...I continued to focus on me and wanting my relationship with my wife to improve.  I wanted to feel her touch.  I wanted to be hugged and told we would get through this together.  I wanted (and at times still get caught up wanting) to feel appreciated...I continue to focus on me, my desires, what I thought was right...

It's been a long and difficult road to travel.  However, it has been so necessary.  I found a counselor (non-LDS) who I felt comfortable with.  I began  driving over an hour away to attend addiction recovery classes sponsored through the church and I began taking mild prescription drugs prescribed by a doctor to help me deal with anxiety and think rationally before acting.  (That is still the most difficult challenge).  I have continued to disappoint my wife at times.  But, I am clean...still tempted at times but I am two years clean from pornography and stoking outward actions reserved for marriage.

I'm still not certain of what will become of my marriage.  My wife is still so incredibly hurt and does not know if she can trust me again.  She doesn't know how which is so incredibly difficult for her.  I know that she wishes she could let go and allow trust to prevail but more than trust was lost, I lost respect because of my actions.  We are working on that still.  Ever so slowly but we are still married and I thank Hod every day for her.  I pray for healing for her constantly and I strive to be there for her whether it's to talk, enjoy each other's conversations, hear her vent her frustrations with me, because of me.  She deserves a husband who listens and appreciates all of her sides.  She did not cause this.  She did not ask for this.  She is a victim in this and deserves all the love and patience I can offer while she heals.  There is no timeline for healing.  All of our life experiences mold and shape our abilities and capabilities.

She is an amazing woman and I continue to strive to be the man she always deserved.

Detour

So tonight I don't want to write about my past, I want to write about society and our futures.

You know that feeling of déjà vu or strange moments of clarity, well I've been having some of those from time to time, mostly about where our country is heading morally, spiritually, ethically.  I don't dare say that we are becoming a list society but in believe we are already there.  I see our children being inandated by sexuality in the earliest of years and I am so scared for their futures as one who has experienced the darkness that comes from visual immorality.  I see our society pressing ever onward to accept unnatural laws that tear apart the fabric of all that is good and worthy and lovely, especially in the arenas of chastity, crude jokes, persecutions for abhoring homosexuality, abortions and more.  The governments of the world are conspiring against each other at alarming rates and our very freedoms of privacy are now void.  Freedom of speech is truly becoming limited and parental rights are being severed as children become kidnapped wards of the States, drug use is a social norm and the list goes on and on.

We cannot sit idly by and allow our world to be changed without standing for what is right and true.  We are obligated and empowered by our very God to do so.  He does not separate Himself from us but we as individuals separate ourselves from Him and soon society runs amok distanced from inspiration and truth.  We cannot allow this to happen and we must be vigilant to keep our houses in order especially morally in order to be prepared for the times approaching when He asks us to serve Him.

300 earthquakes were reported in Chile in one week (this week).  Mudslides are happening with increasing destruction.  Tsunami's, fires, diseases we have never before witnessed and weapons in the power of man that are too incredibly powerful for anyone to hold trigger to.  Radiation cover-ups, water contaminations and crop disease and disasters are rampant.  Please know that life is not all dreary and dark and bleak!  Beautiful babies are still born to loving families, marriages are created, miracles are occurring and many people are becoming wise.  These are all foretold events in the scriptures that warn us to get our lives in order.

You can do it!  You CAN do it...be clean, be worthy, be free of sin and live in peace during times of communal darkness.  Stay strong and know that God lives you, IS mindful of you and will ALWAYS draw nearer to you as you draw nearer to HIM.  Never give up and stay focused.  These are trying times and were designed to be so.  However, we can choose our own paths each day.

Continuing to Endure...

I truly thought that I was protecting my wife by not harming her with my sins.  I was keeping her from the truth to spare her the pain.  I was preventing a possible broken marriage because I knew I could get through this if I only had enough faith, I can do this and I'll try even harder this time.

Well, how selfish was I?  Everything I just shared above was my thought process at the time and it has taken me a couple years to see how blinded I was.  I was protecting myself.  Of course I didn't want my wife to struggle, I didn't want to see her heart break but I was really protecting myself from fear.  I was fearful of being alone as a kid and I was protecting myself from the possibility of being alone again...you see, my wife wasn't at the forefront of my thoughts although I told myself that she was.  I was at the forefront of my thoughts.  Oh how the mind can be so easily manipulated by fear and chemical changes.  And how crafty satan is.  If he can pull someone fown at an early age and whisper that they aren't hood enough, no one will love them if they show weakness or confess their sins he will have power.  And, we give up out power to resist his temptations in life.

You can never give up.  You must be vigilant every hour of every day.

Years of deceit went on.  I never intended it and yet here we were ten years into our marriage.  I held high positions in the bishopric and EQ and I attended the temple.  Why did I go to the temple?  How could I go to the temple?  I tricked myself into coping with my challenges by saying that I wasn't hurting anyone but myself.  I didn't even want to hurt myself and so I should try and drown out the bad by doing good.  But again in hindsight I was protecting myself mentally.  I couldn't handle being labeled as a dirty guy, a bad guy or as having a problem.  I hid from myself.  I regret doing so.

"How could you say that you loved your wife and live this double life?"  I do love my wife and realize how amazing she is.  She is so valiant and beautiful and I am do very attracted to her spiritually, physically and emotionally.  I would do anything for her happiness.  My love for her was never second fiddle to my addiction although it appears that way from an outside perspective.  I loved her but I know I did not honor or respect her in marriage.  I told her of my affections for her but I didn't truly spend time allowing her to get to know the real me.  I was in control again.  I still cued for her time and wanted to spend every chance I could in her company but I couldn't communicate my darkest fears with her,  that would show weakness.  I thought.  I tried to provide well for her and so I worked hard and was very stressed by it.  She loved me and confided her feelings in me.  She shared and tried and was so amazingly patient and I continued, stuck in cycles.  She felt like she was going crazy and that there must be something wrong with her.  There wasn't.  Ladies don't ever think that.  And so our marriage slowly eroded in respect...her respect for me was lessened more and more as I lashed out irregularly.  She became introverted and didn't want to share her feelings with me.  She now needed to protect them.  I was resentful of that too and so we slept in other rooms and I became resentful of that, she said she couldn't continue like this and I interpreted that to mean that she was ready for a divorce and so I locked down my feelings more and she protected hers more.  Uggh, the pain and heavy burden surrounding us!  It became do unbearable!  I continued to pray for help!

I finally remember praying, differently.  It was early in the year, 2012 and I was scared but I prayed for Heavenly Father to help me confess.  It hurt to ask for it.  I knew specifically that I could not beat this without confessing to my Bishop and I finally opened up to why I was so afraid to confess.  Excommunication, divorce, losing my family, breaking her heart, shame, devastating her world, but I knew I had to, I knew we would get divorced if I didn't change now.  I knew we may still get divorced but I literally could not hold this secret within any longer!  We had a final blow out blame fest the night prior and I "felt" her sadness!  I had do try and change for us.  I had to be honest for her.  I needed the guilt removed!

I was at work when she called and said we need to talk.  I need to know what is going on in your life. It just so happened I was writing a several page letter to her confessing my sins on paper because I seem to communicate better if it is written first.  I told her that we did need to talk and would when I got home.  That afternoon I desecrated her sweet soul!  She was waiting when I got home and called me straight away into our room and shut the door.  "What is it?" She asked and I pulled out my letter and began reading it.  I explained my habits as a kid growing into my teenage years and re-established in our early married years.  ...she was mad, upset, confused, couldn't believe it and seemed utterly ill.  I destroyed her concept of our marriage, of trust and truth, of what was real and fake, her image as a woman, her self-worth and beauty, her concept of life was thrown into the spin-cycle wrenching and churning her mind and heart.  Oh, the pain I transferred from my heart to hers.  Pure agony.  I wanted to crawl under a rock and never move again. My fears came true and it had to be.

We got the kids to bed that night and she left and drove down the street and out of sight to call her sister and sobbed.  When she returned she could not look at me, talk to me, be around me and I felt so uncomfortable. I got in my car and drove for nearly two hours and found an old farming road with no one around for miles and I cried...nearly vomiting.  I prayed got my wife.  I yearned for her peace.  I felt do alone in the world.  Unloved.  I didn't feel the Lord's presence.  I was in darkness literally and spiritually.  I layer on the hood of my car for a long time...I walked down the dark moonless street seeking answers, love from Heavenly Father but I didn't feel I deserved them.   It was close to midnight when she called.  She asked where I was.  I couldn't quite answer, I was far, far away.  She told me I needed to come back.  I believe she was fearful I would try to hurt myself.  I wouldn't but I did feel like my family would be better off without me.  At the same time she was feeling the same...she wanted to get out of her skin and escape.  But we can't.

I returned home that night to more questions, tears, pain.  We both cried until our tears literally dried out.  She demanded that I tell the Church leaders the next day and I agreed.

What an amazingly painful time this confession was...and what pain I brought into our lives, our home.  It's still almost too much to think about.  So sad.  Nothing would or could be the same afterwards...

Another choice and amazing daughter of our Heavenly Father was painfully tortured in mind, emotion and spirit.  I was so ready to confess to our Stake Presidency next.  I was ready to face whatever punishment was proper.  I was ready to be freed!  How selfish again...I was being freed and she was receiving binding chains of despair and agony.  So much pain.

To be continued...

The Teenage years continued

I tried to hide from myself, you know, who I really was hiding the guy who now was pleasuring himself as a stress reliever.  I hated myself, that guy but I couldn't resist the temptations to escape life and truly as much as I felt out of control it honestly was the only control I felt I had...to escape.

I loved the church, the dances, volley-ball games, friends, etc. but I always felt guilt that I wasn't good enough, wasn't as smart as my friends and wasn't as attractive.  These were self defeating thoughts that encouraged more of my inappropriate behavior.  I liked being with my friends but I loved being alone to hike in the foothills, think, pray and escape life once again...but it was also my one on one time with God.  I felt His love for me and knew that life could be better.

I began preparing for a mission at eighteen years old.  I would read scriptures daily and I couldn't read enough Ensign magazine articles.  I was so excited...I was in control of my decision to go and serve...but it was also another chance to get away from life, escape and reinvent myself.  But honestly you never escape yourself, although you can defer yourself I have realized.  Regardless, I loved entering the MTC.

The MTC was indescribable.  The spirit was unrestrained and caused some missionaries to leave because of guilt and previous unreported sins and others to flourish and grow.  I felt the spirit so strongly that all things were brought before my mind.  I remembered sins I had not repented of properly and confessed to indiscretions while in the MTC, and received freeing and loving forgiveness.  I was called as a District Leader and loved every minute of serving.  Additionally, I had become clean through finally repenting of masturbation a year prior to entering the MTC.  I confessed to my Bishop at the time.

I served an honorable two year mission and sincerely loved serving The Lord.  This was an amazing and choice time in life.  It was not easy and there were definite days where I was exhausted by it all but overall one of my favorite times in life.  However, I also slipped and masturbated several times during my mission.  Why and how this began to effect me again I can't remember.  I'm sure stress was the culprit again and I felt so much sorrow for it.  I felt especially dirty and low because I was a missionary.  I confessed to my Mission President and received kind counsel, wonderful blessings and strength to keep working at it in life.   This apparently was not a problem unique to me although I didn't realize it at the time.  I kept working on doing right and had amazing spiritual experiences on my mission.  I was witness to healings and testimonies blossoming.  I remember my exit interview with my Mission Pres. And he asked if there was anything I needed to repent of before receiving my temple recommend.  I  mentioned my continued struggles to remain pure.  He blessed me that I would be able to overcome this challenge and that when I was married this problem would be resolved...those aren't the exact words but you get the point.  I received my recommend.

Through the years after returning home, going to school, working, dating, great times and loving the post-mission life I had several incidences of reverting back to masturbation.  I hated myself for not overcoming this challenge.  Resented myself inside but I never gave up hope.  I spoke to my college Bishop and received counsel.

I remember always being so physically attracted to women.  There were beautiful women all around in Utah and I dated many of them.  I loved how they looked, talked, walked, everything about them and my mind was always preoccupied by them.  My various girlfriends became my sources of comfort and attention and I focused little on education and more on them and work.  Hanging out with my buddies always took a back seat to my girlfriends or being where girls were.  Needless to say I had some fun, clean, college experiences.

I met my future wife and we became instant friends.  We "got" each other and had similar parental and life challenges growing up.  She intrigued me and was "me" in so many ways.  We didn't date, we became friends and then "dated" although we never officially became boyfriend and girlfriend in the normal sense of first dates and second dates and so on.  We hung out.  We explored the area, we goofed off with friends and roommates and became inseparable every day unless we were breaking up.  Yes, we broke up and got back together at least half a dozen times in a four month period.  She was unsure of where we were heading, I was unsure if she was "the one."  She frustrated me at times and I was too moody for her, and yet we couldn't stay apart and eventually were planning a wedding on our own.  She was absolutely amazing to me.  She seriously knew me and understood me and we were married.

Life got off to a rocky start beginning on the honeymoon.  A few stupid words on my behalf led to several hours of resentment and separation and uncertainty on her part.  It had its definite rough moments and we were tried.

We got into the swing of life, work, spending all of our time together as married couples do with tight finances, and learning to adjust to another persons personality traits and nuances.  We loved each other but still had our moments needing to be apart.  This was not the ideal start to a successful marriage.  I admit that I was moody and emotional and very jealous.  I needed physical contact and touch and she needed emotional contact and respect and we didn't understand each other well in these areas.  I began taking on even more responsibilities at work.  Bills grew as we expanded our home and stresses of life began to invade.  I was sucked into masturbation once again.  I never told my wife of my issues prior to marriage and thought I could handle it and overcome it as I had before.

Approximately one year into marriage I became curious about sexual positions and how we could spice up our marriage.  My naïveté once again took hold and while I focused on physical remedies for our marriage I pushed my wife further away through arguments about sex and insignificant stuff.  I was a jerk.  I viewed pornography.  I became easily ensnared and began justifying why I was looking at what I was, it was for "us" to help benefit our marriage.  Stupid lies.  I was selfish, self centered, depressed, loathsome and critical of myself, stressed to new levels I never experienced before and most of all I was secretive and dishonest with myself, my beautiful spouse and became trapped in lies, lies, pornography and masturbation.  I medicated my fears by further acting out.  I hid myself from the world.  I created my own world without my wife in it and I began a terrible journey of guilt.

I never lost faith that I could overcome and I began loathing myself more and attempting to stop.  I was successful for short periods of weeks and done long periods of a few months but I always reverted back.  My bad choices led to a limiting of my ability to resist or think clearly.  I grew very unhappy inside.  My relationship was deteriorating and my wife was caught in the middle of a relationship she didn't understand and I became more moody and rude lashing out at times that she needed to show me more affection and blaming her when she didn't.  Well he'll, why would she want to?  I see this so clearly now.

We had our happy times intertwined in the madness.  We saw promotions at work, we moved to new places, we experienced fun activities and we had given birth to amazing children!  So very much to be grateful for and we were.  We both served in church callings and did the best we could in them, but again, I was too embarrassed by my sins, disgusted and I was fearful of rejection by my wife, disappointment by the church and protected myself from the obvious pain that would come to both my wife and I trough admitting my issues.  I convinced myself that I was protecting her tender emotions but in all reality I see now that I was protecting me in all areas.  I needed help.  I needed out.  I needed to provide a better life for my family, my wife needed a better husband a spiritual leader in the home and a best friend.  I was trapped on all sides by guilt, disappointment, dishonesty, repercussions, lies, jealousy and such...and it began squeezing the life out of me, out of "us" and our marriage was dissolving with young and beautiful children caught in it all.

I prayed constantly for years for The Lord to take away my weakness.  He never did.  I prayed for help to overcome through strength.  It never came.  I always said, I will never do that again.  I did though.  I lost control and so I became controlling.  Man, I hated myself while trying to put on the best face that all was well in life.  No problems here.  Every marriage has arguments.  If only she would show more affection.  Ohhh the horrible cycle that repeated itself over and over again...and I couldn't escape.  My poor sweet wife was so confused and frustrated in our marriage.  She wanted us to work, she knew that while we had our challenges at least I was a good father and she could trust me with all other things but her emotions.  And boy did I destroy her world.

Let me take a moment to tell you that angels must have surrounded my wife constantly to bear her up and get her through so many, many painful days and nights!  Crying herself to sleep in confusion.  Hoping for a better tomorrow than today.  Closing herself off from me and not talking to me sometimes for days in order to protect herself from more damage from me...I me resenting her for not being there for me.  What?  My decisions truly began squeezing all life out of our marriage.  Literally squeezing it out.

To be continued...

Who am I?

You know that feeling deep inside you that says you're a good person, I've always believed that person existed inside of myself but I gave up believing he could exist in the here and now, he became, I became blinded by what I was doing and how badly it was tearing at my soul.  Does that make any sense?  Well, let's put it this way.  I am LDS, am now a man in his late 30's, married with children and am a recovering addict of pornography...but it goes deeper than just viewing a few photos, I was hooked.  I was lost and didn't believe I was because I was even deceiving myself!

I'll give some background into my life without giving away too many details that might be detrimental to my future.  Anonymity is a blessing, only when honesty is it's cause.  Truth cannot be found in darkness...

I was born to what I considered a great family.  I was happy, shy but content with my life as a child.  I loved gazing at the stars and dreaming of visiting space one day.  It was a dream I knew I could achieve.   Between 6-7 years old I loved Summer adventures with my all of my siblings, hide and go seek, forts, crashing golf courses looking for stray balls, I had good friends and I genuinely cared for others feelings and hurt when they hurt.  I loved my mom!  She was so beautiful.  I would pick wild flowers for her and was so excited to bring them to her, and she would scoop me up and hug me so tightly and hold me in her arms telling me how much she loved me.  It was incredible.  She was incredible.  To this day I cherish those simple times.

Prior to turning 9 my parents were divorced.  Everything changed.  Everything.  My mom cheated on my dad.  My dad became a bitter person who always, always spoke negatively of my mom throughout the remainder of my formative and teenage years although he did remarry eventually.  My dad raised us kids for the most part but there were times we lived with our mom.  Our dad worked hard and made very little money.  We lived in scary apartment complexes where shootings could be heard at night and helicopters with searchlights flew overhead.  I attended half a dozen elementary schools and nearly the same amount of schools between middle school in Arizona and High School...nothing was ideal, but it was my new normal.  My dad had a very kind heart masked by resentment, fear, insecurities, doubt, anger and a host of other dominant traits.  There were times that I feared my dad although he never abused any of us physically his words pierced deeply.  He always felt terrible afterwards and always let us know that he loved us.  He continues to struggle with insecurities to this day.  He is a good man with a difficult past.  I love him.

My mom transformed into a stranger in many ways.  She began drinking and smoking, something that was foreign to us.  She married again but not to the man she cheated on my dad with.  She became a lost soul.  She attempted suicide several times...it was her way of struggling to get out of the life she had created for herself but she never truly wanted to die.  She became introverted, scared of life and lost that shine which she had when I was younger.  The light was dimmed within her. I feel so much sorrow for her inability to cope in life and with life but it wasn't her fault.  Yes she made terrible decisions but she was weak, lost and lonely within herself.

I forgive both my dad and mom for their choices.

I'm not sure when I became interested in women (girls) but it was from an extremely early age...maybe six.  I remember trying to see details of women's shape in old Sears catalogs.  It was innocent curiosity which most boys go through at some point in their lives, but six years old was much too young to be having these thoughts.  Life however became confusing and my focus turned to survival and I didn't consider this again until shortly after our parent's divorce.  I was introduced to dirty magazines while wandering around with friends. I liked what I saw and became hooked even though I did not recognize it at the time.  I was interested but again years went by and another friend here or there would talk about things that should not have been discussed and would show me pictures which I should not have indulged in.  I knew it was wrong!  I knew it.  But, something rebellious inside me seemed to push off what I knew was right, and I looked and thought about what I looked at.

If you are squeamish to sensitive subjects please do not read any further.  Though I'm not graphic with details, certain subjects can be difficult to read.


By the time I was thirteen I was fairly active in church youth activities.  I attended church regularly,(thank you dad) but I never quite fit in.  Oh, I believed but maybe I didn't have the chance to settle in and feel accepted because of all the moving around.  Heavenly Father and angels helped me through some crazy times emotionally.  I was blessed but I was partly in the world although between the ages of 14 through 26 I stayed clear from pornography except for the occasional flash on the big screen during an R rated movie.  Pornography wasn't an issue or so I thought, truly printed pornography wasn't the problem, mental pornography and masturbation were.  As I think back, masturbation started very early for me...probably 8 or 9 although I didn't know what it was at the time.  I just felt a certain sensation within that evolved into my teenage years.  It became my source of coping.  I didn't know I was drugging myself, I had no idea that is what I was doing.  I coped with fear, anger, pity, being scared of surroundings, feeling left out, etc.  I coped when all I thought I was doing was harmless and natural.  It wasn't.

Do you remember those glasses that came out years ago that we're black and flat in front of your eyes, allowing you to see behind yourself from the left or right?  That's how I see now.  I see a portion of my past clearly but I fooled myself to believe I was disguised and that because I had a good heart I was okay doing what I was doing.  Now don't get me wrong, I had periods of sobriety for months or even years, but underlying it all I was still coping in various ways.  I tried to be funny, I tried to hide from the struggles my mom was going through and even chose not to talk to her for many months.  I chose to look at girls around me with coveting eyes.  I had girlfriends and treated them with respect, never touching them inappropriately or speaking to them with harsh words, i didn't swear, I served in my callings in church and went to dances, but I do realize now that I was very insecure.  I dumped my girlfriends whenever they got too close because I was afraid they would dump me first.  I never learned to communicate my fears with any of them.  Telling them about my family challenges would make me look weak and then they wouldn't be interested in me anymore.

During all this time I learned to pray for myself.  I leaned on my Savior and wrote often in a journal for peace.  I read ensign magazines and gave talks in church.  I really enjoyed all of these things and I prepared for a future mission but I never shared my challenges other than with a couple bishops I trusted later on.  In fact I don't recall anything other than a standard bishop youth talk.  "How are you doing."  I'm fine.  "Good, how is school?"  It's okay, I'm doing pretty good.  "That's great."  Etc.  these men were choice and good men but I feared being looked down upon, appearing weak, not being strong enough to handle life, I couldn't appear weak and I couldn't talk about my current or past challenges.

More next time.