I truly thought that I was protecting my wife by not harming her with my sins. I was keeping her from the truth to spare her the pain. I was preventing a possible broken marriage because I knew I could get through this if I only had enough faith, I can do this and I'll try even harder this time.
Well, how selfish was I? Everything I just shared above was my thought process at the time and it has taken me a couple years to see how blinded I was. I was protecting myself. Of course I didn't want my wife to struggle, I didn't want to see her heart break but I was really protecting myself from fear. I was fearful of being alone as a kid and I was protecting myself from the possibility of being alone again...you see, my wife wasn't at the forefront of my thoughts although I told myself that she was. I was at the forefront of my thoughts. Oh how the mind can be so easily manipulated by fear and chemical changes. And how crafty satan is. If he can pull someone fown at an early age and whisper that they aren't hood enough, no one will love them if they show weakness or confess their sins he will have power. And, we give up out power to resist his temptations in life.
You can never give up. You must be vigilant every hour of every day.
Years of deceit went on. I never intended it and yet here we were ten years into our marriage. I held high positions in the bishopric and EQ and I attended the temple. Why did I go to the temple? How could I go to the temple? I tricked myself into coping with my challenges by saying that I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. I didn't even want to hurt myself and so I should try and drown out the bad by doing good. But again in hindsight I was protecting myself mentally. I couldn't handle being labeled as a dirty guy, a bad guy or as having a problem. I hid from myself. I regret doing so.
"How could you say that you loved your wife and live this double life?" I do love my wife and realize how amazing she is. She is so valiant and beautiful and I am do very attracted to her spiritually, physically and emotionally. I would do anything for her happiness. My love for her was never second fiddle to my addiction although it appears that way from an outside perspective. I loved her but I know I did not honor or respect her in marriage. I told her of my affections for her but I didn't truly spend time allowing her to get to know the real me. I was in control again. I still cued for her time and wanted to spend every chance I could in her company but I couldn't communicate my darkest fears with her, that would show weakness. I thought. I tried to provide well for her and so I worked hard and was very stressed by it. She loved me and confided her feelings in me. She shared and tried and was so amazingly patient and I continued, stuck in cycles. She felt like she was going crazy and that there must be something wrong with her. There wasn't. Ladies don't ever think that. And so our marriage slowly eroded in respect...her respect for me was lessened more and more as I lashed out irregularly. She became introverted and didn't want to share her feelings with me. She now needed to protect them. I was resentful of that too and so we slept in other rooms and I became resentful of that, she said she couldn't continue like this and I interpreted that to mean that she was ready for a divorce and so I locked down my feelings more and she protected hers more. Uggh, the pain and heavy burden surrounding us! It became do unbearable! I continued to pray for help!
I finally remember praying, differently. It was early in the year, 2012 and I was scared but I prayed for Heavenly Father to help me confess. It hurt to ask for it. I knew specifically that I could not beat this without confessing to my Bishop and I finally opened up to why I was so afraid to confess. Excommunication, divorce, losing my family, breaking her heart, shame, devastating her world, but I knew I had to, I knew we would get divorced if I didn't change now. I knew we may still get divorced but I literally could not hold this secret within any longer! We had a final blow out blame fest the night prior and I "felt" her sadness! I had do try and change for us. I had to be honest for her. I needed the guilt removed!
I was at work when she called and said we need to talk. I need to know what is going on in your life. It just so happened I was writing a several page letter to her confessing my sins on paper because I seem to communicate better if it is written first. I told her that we did need to talk and would when I got home. That afternoon I desecrated her sweet soul! She was waiting when I got home and called me straight away into our room and shut the door. "What is it?" She asked and I pulled out my letter and began reading it. I explained my habits as a kid growing into my teenage years and re-established in our early married years. ...she was mad, upset, confused, couldn't believe it and seemed utterly ill. I destroyed her concept of our marriage, of trust and truth, of what was real and fake, her image as a woman, her self-worth and beauty, her concept of life was thrown into the spin-cycle wrenching and churning her mind and heart. Oh, the pain I transferred from my heart to hers. Pure agony. I wanted to crawl under a rock and never move again. My fears came true and it had to be.
We got the kids to bed that night and she left and drove down the street and out of sight to call her sister and sobbed. When she returned she could not look at me, talk to me, be around me and I felt so uncomfortable. I got in my car and drove for nearly two hours and found an old farming road with no one around for miles and I cried...nearly vomiting. I prayed got my wife. I yearned for her peace. I felt do alone in the world. Unloved. I didn't feel the Lord's presence. I was in darkness literally and spiritually. I layer on the hood of my car for a long time...I walked down the dark moonless street seeking answers, love from Heavenly Father but I didn't feel I deserved them. It was close to midnight when she called. She asked where I was. I couldn't quite answer, I was far, far away. She told me I needed to come back. I believe she was fearful I would try to hurt myself. I wouldn't but I did feel like my family would be better off without me. At the same time she was feeling the same...she wanted to get out of her skin and escape. But we can't.
I returned home that night to more questions, tears, pain. We both cried until our tears literally dried out. She demanded that I tell the Church leaders the next day and I agreed.
What an amazingly painful time this confession was...and what pain I brought into our lives, our home. It's still almost too much to think about. So sad. Nothing would or could be the same afterwards...
Another choice and amazing daughter of our Heavenly Father was painfully tortured in mind, emotion and spirit. I was so ready to confess to our Stake Presidency next. I was ready to face whatever punishment was proper. I was ready to be freed! How selfish again...I was being freed and she was receiving binding chains of despair and agony. So much pain.
To be continued...
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