I tried to hide from myself, you know, who I really was hiding the guy who now was pleasuring himself as a stress reliever. I hated myself, that guy but I couldn't resist the temptations to escape life and truly as much as I felt out of control it honestly was the only control I felt I had...to escape.
I loved the church, the dances, volley-ball games, friends, etc. but I always felt guilt that I wasn't good enough, wasn't as smart as my friends and wasn't as attractive. These were self defeating thoughts that encouraged more of my inappropriate behavior. I liked being with my friends but I loved being alone to hike in the foothills, think, pray and escape life once again...but it was also my one on one time with God. I felt His love for me and knew that life could be better.
I began preparing for a mission at eighteen years old. I would read scriptures daily and I couldn't read enough Ensign magazine articles. I was so excited...I was in control of my decision to go and serve...but it was also another chance to get away from life, escape and reinvent myself. But honestly you never escape yourself, although you can defer yourself I have realized. Regardless, I loved entering the MTC.
The MTC was indescribable. The spirit was unrestrained and caused some missionaries to leave because of guilt and previous unreported sins and others to flourish and grow. I felt the spirit so strongly that all things were brought before my mind. I remembered sins I had not repented of properly and confessed to indiscretions while in the MTC, and received freeing and loving forgiveness. I was called as a District Leader and loved every minute of serving. Additionally, I had become clean through finally repenting of masturbation a year prior to entering the MTC. I confessed to my Bishop at the time.
I served an honorable two year mission and sincerely loved serving The Lord. This was an amazing and choice time in life. It was not easy and there were definite days where I was exhausted by it all but overall one of my favorite times in life. However, I also slipped and masturbated several times during my mission. Why and how this began to effect me again I can't remember. I'm sure stress was the culprit again and I felt so much sorrow for it. I felt especially dirty and low because I was a missionary. I confessed to my Mission President and received kind counsel, wonderful blessings and strength to keep working at it in life. This apparently was not a problem unique to me although I didn't realize it at the time. I kept working on doing right and had amazing spiritual experiences on my mission. I was witness to healings and testimonies blossoming. I remember my exit interview with my Mission Pres. And he asked if there was anything I needed to repent of before receiving my temple recommend. I mentioned my continued struggles to remain pure. He blessed me that I would be able to overcome this challenge and that when I was married this problem would be resolved...those aren't the exact words but you get the point. I received my recommend.
Through the years after returning home, going to school, working, dating, great times and loving the post-mission life I had several incidences of reverting back to masturbation. I hated myself for not overcoming this challenge. Resented myself inside but I never gave up hope. I spoke to my college Bishop and received counsel.
I remember always being so physically attracted to women. There were beautiful women all around in Utah and I dated many of them. I loved how they looked, talked, walked, everything about them and my mind was always preoccupied by them. My various girlfriends became my sources of comfort and attention and I focused little on education and more on them and work. Hanging out with my buddies always took a back seat to my girlfriends or being where girls were. Needless to say I had some fun, clean, college experiences.
I met my future wife and we became instant friends. We "got" each other and had similar parental and life challenges growing up. She intrigued me and was "me" in so many ways. We didn't date, we became friends and then "dated" although we never officially became boyfriend and girlfriend in the normal sense of first dates and second dates and so on. We hung out. We explored the area, we goofed off with friends and roommates and became inseparable every day unless we were breaking up. Yes, we broke up and got back together at least half a dozen times in a four month period. She was unsure of where we were heading, I was unsure if she was "the one." She frustrated me at times and I was too moody for her, and yet we couldn't stay apart and eventually were planning a wedding on our own. She was absolutely amazing to me. She seriously knew me and understood me and we were married.
Life got off to a rocky start beginning on the honeymoon. A few stupid words on my behalf led to several hours of resentment and separation and uncertainty on her part. It had its definite rough moments and we were tried.
We got into the swing of life, work, spending all of our time together as married couples do with tight finances, and learning to adjust to another persons personality traits and nuances. We loved each other but still had our moments needing to be apart. This was not the ideal start to a successful marriage. I admit that I was moody and emotional and very jealous. I needed physical contact and touch and she needed emotional contact and respect and we didn't understand each other well in these areas. I began taking on even more responsibilities at work. Bills grew as we expanded our home and stresses of life began to invade. I was sucked into masturbation once again. I never told my wife of my issues prior to marriage and thought I could handle it and overcome it as I had before.
Approximately one year into marriage I became curious about sexual positions and how we could spice up our marriage. My naïveté once again took hold and while I focused on physical remedies for our marriage I pushed my wife further away through arguments about sex and insignificant stuff. I was a jerk. I viewed pornography. I became easily ensnared and began justifying why I was looking at what I was, it was for "us" to help benefit our marriage. Stupid lies. I was selfish, self centered, depressed, loathsome and critical of myself, stressed to new levels I never experienced before and most of all I was secretive and dishonest with myself, my beautiful spouse and became trapped in lies, lies, pornography and masturbation. I medicated my fears by further acting out. I hid myself from the world. I created my own world without my wife in it and I began a terrible journey of guilt.
I never lost faith that I could overcome and I began loathing myself more and attempting to stop. I was successful for short periods of weeks and done long periods of a few months but I always reverted back. My bad choices led to a limiting of my ability to resist or think clearly. I grew very unhappy inside. My relationship was deteriorating and my wife was caught in the middle of a relationship she didn't understand and I became more moody and rude lashing out at times that she needed to show me more affection and blaming her when she didn't. Well he'll, why would she want to? I see this so clearly now.
We had our happy times intertwined in the madness. We saw promotions at work, we moved to new places, we experienced fun activities and we had given birth to amazing children! So very much to be grateful for and we were. We both served in church callings and did the best we could in them, but again, I was too embarrassed by my sins, disgusted and I was fearful of rejection by my wife, disappointment by the church and protected myself from the obvious pain that would come to both my wife and I trough admitting my issues. I convinced myself that I was protecting her tender emotions but in all reality I see now that I was protecting me in all areas. I needed help. I needed out. I needed to provide a better life for my family, my wife needed a better husband a spiritual leader in the home and a best friend. I was trapped on all sides by guilt, disappointment, dishonesty, repercussions, lies, jealousy and such...and it began squeezing the life out of me, out of "us" and our marriage was dissolving with young and beautiful children caught in it all.
I prayed constantly for years for The Lord to take away my weakness. He never did. I prayed for help to overcome through strength. It never came. I always said, I will never do that again. I did though. I lost control and so I became controlling. Man, I hated myself while trying to put on the best face that all was well in life. No problems here. Every marriage has arguments. If only she would show more affection. Ohhh the horrible cycle that repeated itself over and over again...and I couldn't escape. My poor sweet wife was so confused and frustrated in our marriage. She wanted us to work, she knew that while we had our challenges at least I was a good father and she could trust me with all other things but her emotions. And boy did I destroy her world.
Let me take a moment to tell you that angels must have surrounded my wife constantly to bear her up and get her through so many, many painful days and nights! Crying herself to sleep in confusion. Hoping for a better tomorrow than today. Closing herself off from me and not talking to me sometimes for days in order to protect herself from more damage from me...I me resenting her for not being there for me. What? My decisions truly began squeezing all life out of our marriage. Literally squeezing it out.
To be continued...
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