You know that feeling deep inside you that says you're a good person, I've always believed that person existed inside of myself but I gave up believing he could exist in the here and now, he became, I became blinded by what I was doing and how badly it was tearing at my soul. Does that make any sense? Well, let's put it this way. I am LDS, am now a man in his late 30's, married with children and am a recovering addict of pornography...but it goes deeper than just viewing a few photos, I was hooked. I was lost and didn't believe I was because I was even deceiving myself!
I'll give some background into my life without giving away too many details that might be detrimental to my future. Anonymity is a blessing, only when honesty is it's cause. Truth cannot be found in darkness...
I was born to what I considered a great family. I was happy, shy but content with my life as a child. I loved gazing at the stars and dreaming of visiting space one day. It was a dream I knew I could achieve. Between 6-7 years old I loved Summer adventures with my all of my siblings, hide and go seek, forts, crashing golf courses looking for stray balls, I had good friends and I genuinely cared for others feelings and hurt when they hurt. I loved my mom! She was so beautiful. I would pick wild flowers for her and was so excited to bring them to her, and she would scoop me up and hug me so tightly and hold me in her arms telling me how much she loved me. It was incredible. She was incredible. To this day I cherish those simple times.
Prior to turning 9 my parents were divorced. Everything changed. Everything. My mom cheated on my dad. My dad became a bitter person who always, always spoke negatively of my mom throughout the remainder of my formative and teenage years although he did remarry eventually. My dad raised us kids for the most part but there were times we lived with our mom. Our dad worked hard and made very little money. We lived in scary apartment complexes where shootings could be heard at night and helicopters with searchlights flew overhead. I attended half a dozen elementary schools and nearly the same amount of schools between middle school in Arizona and High School...nothing was ideal, but it was my new normal. My dad had a very kind heart masked by resentment, fear, insecurities, doubt, anger and a host of other dominant traits. There were times that I feared my dad although he never abused any of us physically his words pierced deeply. He always felt terrible afterwards and always let us know that he loved us. He continues to struggle with insecurities to this day. He is a good man with a difficult past. I love him.
My mom transformed into a stranger in many ways. She began drinking and smoking, something that was foreign to us. She married again but not to the man she cheated on my dad with. She became a lost soul. She attempted suicide several times...it was her way of struggling to get out of the life she had created for herself but she never truly wanted to die. She became introverted, scared of life and lost that shine which she had when I was younger. The light was dimmed within her. I feel so much sorrow for her inability to cope in life and with life but it wasn't her fault. Yes she made terrible decisions but she was weak, lost and lonely within herself.
I forgive both my dad and mom for their choices.
I'm not sure when I became interested in women (girls) but it was from an extremely early age...maybe six. I remember trying to see details of women's shape in old Sears catalogs. It was innocent curiosity which most boys go through at some point in their lives, but six years old was much too young to be having these thoughts. Life however became confusing and my focus turned to survival and I didn't consider this again until shortly after our parent's divorce. I was introduced to dirty magazines while wandering around with friends. I liked what I saw and became hooked even though I did not recognize it at the time. I was interested but again years went by and another friend here or there would talk about things that should not have been discussed and would show me pictures which I should not have indulged in. I knew it was wrong! I knew it. But, something rebellious inside me seemed to push off what I knew was right, and I looked and thought about what I looked at.
If you are squeamish to sensitive subjects please do not read any further. Though I'm not graphic with details, certain subjects can be difficult to read.
By the time I was thirteen I was fairly active in church youth activities. I attended church regularly,(thank you dad) but I never quite fit in. Oh, I believed but maybe I didn't have the chance to settle in and feel accepted because of all the moving around. Heavenly Father and angels helped me through some crazy times emotionally. I was blessed but I was partly in the world although between the ages of 14 through 26 I stayed clear from pornography except for the occasional flash on the big screen during an R rated movie. Pornography wasn't an issue or so I thought, truly printed pornography wasn't the problem, mental pornography and masturbation were. As I think back, masturbation started very early for me...probably 8 or 9 although I didn't know what it was at the time. I just felt a certain sensation within that evolved into my teenage years. It became my source of coping. I didn't know I was drugging myself, I had no idea that is what I was doing. I coped with fear, anger, pity, being scared of surroundings, feeling left out, etc. I coped when all I thought I was doing was harmless and natural. It wasn't.
Do you remember those glasses that came out years ago that we're black and flat in front of your eyes, allowing you to see behind yourself from the left or right? That's how I see now. I see a portion of my past clearly but I fooled myself to believe I was disguised and that because I had a good heart I was okay doing what I was doing. Now don't get me wrong, I had periods of sobriety for months or even years, but underlying it all I was still coping in various ways. I tried to be funny, I tried to hide from the struggles my mom was going through and even chose not to talk to her for many months. I chose to look at girls around me with coveting eyes. I had girlfriends and treated them with respect, never touching them inappropriately or speaking to them with harsh words, i didn't swear, I served in my callings in church and went to dances, but I do realize now that I was very insecure. I dumped my girlfriends whenever they got too close because I was afraid they would dump me first. I never learned to communicate my fears with any of them. Telling them about my family challenges would make me look weak and then they wouldn't be interested in me anymore.
During all this time I learned to pray for myself. I leaned on my Savior and wrote often in a journal for peace. I read ensign magazines and gave talks in church. I really enjoyed all of these things and I prepared for a future mission but I never shared my challenges other than with a couple bishops I trusted later on. In fact I don't recall anything other than a standard bishop youth talk. "How are you doing." I'm fine. "Good, how is school?" It's okay, I'm doing pretty good. "That's great." Etc. these men were choice and good men but I feared being looked down upon, appearing weak, not being strong enough to handle life, I couldn't appear weak and I couldn't talk about my current or past challenges.
More next time.
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