I called the Stake President but he was away at girls camp. The fist counselor was gone as well. The second counselor was available to meet with us that night. I remember the second counselor listening attentively, but somehow he didn't understand the complete challenge and strain in our marriage. How could he realistically understand what transpired in ten years and was summed up through confession and tears in one hour? I remember feeling grateful to have confessed. He encouraged us to meet with our Bishop who was very newly called. We did, and I recall feeling like a literal weight of bricks had been lifted from off of my back almost immediately...I felt tremendous relief. The thing is...those bricks were transferred directly to my tender hearted wife and continued to drag her lower and lower.
Just because I confessed didn't mean I was out of the woods. I never looked at pornography again and that may seem like an easy, "well yeah" but in reality it was a real accomplishment, a gift given to me by my Father in Heaven for my honesty. I can't say that I stopped having bad thoughts or that prior viewings didn't pop into my head at various times, of course it did, but I found it so much easier to shrug off those thoughts.
I knew that I needed more help than a Bishop could offer. In true retrospect I really don't think my Bishop offered much help throughout my continued recovery. He would check in from time to time but we never had any truly deep conversations... This is probably good for both of us. He is not a trained counselor or therapist and I definitely needed a trained therapist! My wife and I attended couples counseling through LDS family services for a few months but I felt uncomfortable there. It wasn't the sharing that bothered me, but the family services worker. In retrospect, I had a hard time with him. I felt extremely judged and looked down upon. I knew the sorrows and depths of my soul and I got caught up in thinking and focusing on myself and my feelings while those feelings of my wife were foreign to me. I continued to hide my deepest feelings of anger with myself, frustration in our marriage and feeling ashamed and unworthy. Truly I resented myself, thought lowly of myself though I tried to put on a positive face before all others. It was hard to admit that I had failed in life. I had failed in many ways. I, I, me, my...I continued to focus on me and wanting my relationship with my wife to improve. I wanted to feel her touch. I wanted to be hugged and told we would get through this together. I wanted (and at times still get caught up wanting) to feel appreciated...I continue to focus on me, my desires, what I thought was right...
It's been a long and difficult road to travel. However, it has been so necessary. I found a counselor (non-LDS) who I felt comfortable with. I began driving over an hour away to attend addiction recovery classes sponsored through the church and I began taking mild prescription drugs prescribed by a doctor to help me deal with anxiety and think rationally before acting. (That is still the most difficult challenge). I have continued to disappoint my wife at times. But, I am clean...still tempted at times but I am two years clean from pornography and stoking outward actions reserved for marriage.
I'm still not certain of what will become of my marriage. My wife is still so incredibly hurt and does not know if she can trust me again. She doesn't know how which is so incredibly difficult for her. I know that she wishes she could let go and allow trust to prevail but more than trust was lost, I lost respect because of my actions. We are working on that still. Ever so slowly but we are still married and I thank Hod every day for her. I pray for healing for her constantly and I strive to be there for her whether it's to talk, enjoy each other's conversations, hear her vent her frustrations with me, because of me. She deserves a husband who listens and appreciates all of her sides. She did not cause this. She did not ask for this. She is a victim in this and deserves all the love and patience I can offer while she heals. There is no timeline for healing. All of our life experiences mold and shape our abilities and capabilities.
She is an amazing woman and I continue to strive to be the man she always deserved.
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