Heaven and Hell

For those that insist that there is no heaven or hell, I wonder at their reasoning.

 For many who reject the notion of God or heaven some tragic event is often the cause and their rejection of God is a way of hiding from pain and confusion.  For others, they follow the paths of their associates because of tradition, perceived coolness, confusion or they are flirting with a desire to do what they want without perceived limits on what is acceptable.  For others still, they may have traveled paths of darkness for so long that is all they now see and feel and there is no room for God or miracles.  And still there are those who insist that God cannot coexist with scientific "facts."  I'm sure there are other reasons but I think I have covered a majority of reasons above.

For those who insist there is a heaven and Gof is real there are also many reasons behind their beliefs.   Some believe that a miracle has occurred at some point in their lives.  Others follow the traditions of their families and some follow friends examples.  Some cannot accept that this amazing world we live in is a matter of chance, that we evolved from one cell organisms in the ocean.  Others cite feelings as their proof or other unexplained emotions or desires.

Whatever the reason, one way or the other one truth is clear...our lives are complex, sometimes mysterious, confusing and strange.  Why?  What is the purpose of life?

Each person must find their own way.  But, as I have experienced in my life we need not experience life alone.  In fact I truly found myself again because I was able to confide in others the secrets I had carried for years, the utter disappointments in myself consumed my disposition so much that I truly began losing my ability to be the person I wanted to be deep inside.  How did I get to the point where I felt my life wasn't very important anymore?   How did I get to the point of  hiding my faults and struggles from everyone, even myself?  It was not overnight.

I thought I was still progressing in life.  I thought that because I loved my wife, worked hard in my job and tried to do my best in my church callings that the atonement would make up for my shortcomings at some point.  Honestly, I gave up trying to overcome my sexual addictions even though I told myself I could overcome this on my own.  Basically, I became delusional and my wife saw it and FELT it, but I was lost in a world of protection.  You see, the ironic thing is I thought I was protecting my family from pain.  I thought they would be so proud of me one day if I could only overcome this on my own...I would tell them, someday.  I didn't even see it... I really did not see that I was being led slowly down into a deep place void of truth and honesty and hope.  I was slowly being boiled and my family was getting the steam.

I remember the day I told my sweet wife about my addictions.  She and I were not in a good place to begin with.  I had hurt her so much emotionally that she had become a shell of the woman she used to be.  Her smile had faded.  Her spontaneous and fun loving personality had dissipated and her desires to be near me physically or emotionally had dissolved.  She had become a different person and I was delusional.   I had slowly put her in a kettle if boiling water and turned up the heat without her or I even knowing it.  Both she and I were dying inside but for different reasons.  It finally came to a head and I knew, I knew that today was the very day I would put it all on the line.  I would confess to her and she would know.  I for the life if me couldn't hold into it any longer.  I never intended to lie, to keep a dark secret from her but in all honesty I was protecting myself, not her.

How do I know that heaven and he'll exist?  I felt them both pulling at me with all of their efforts, at the same time!  Some things are not easily expressed in words but I 'll try.  I purged myself.  And, I had a difficult time doing it.  Something so dark and embarrassing and hurtful was not easy to share.  I wrote a letter.  As she read the letter I couldn't help but look at her, look away from her in fear and look at her again.  I felt fear.  I was letting her into a part of my life that after a decade of marriage she never knew existed.  I watched as she cried and grew angry, repulsed, confused and as her mind now raced, every synapse firing- I can imagine she was trying to sort all of this out in her head.  Was I bring truthful?  Was I hiding more?  Had I cheated on her?  How could she live with me now?  Are the kids safe around me?  Every ravaging thought swirling and churning in her head.  Some say that God will never give us more than we can handle.  Well, God didn't give this to her, I did!  But, God would help her understand herself better than she ever did before, in time.

She had to leave the house.  She had to get away from me and she couldn't hold this utter pain inside, I can imagine it was consuming her!  She told her sister.  She purged her thoughts and experiences, concerns and fears.  She was brought low.  So low.  And, I was lost.  Pained, scared of losing everything and everyone I had ever cared about.  I was worried for my wife.  Sick for her and as soon as she got back and we talked again for a bit before she said she needed to be alone and go to bed I told her I needed to get away for a while as well.

I drove and drove for nearly two hours down roads I had never traveled before ending in the middle of a pitch black road in the middle of nowhere.  I sobbed, I choked, I cried and prayed for my wife.  I prayed to God asking if He knew me and was aware of what was happening?  I walked in the pitch black night down this street, scared.  I didn't know what to do, where to go.  I was ultimately trying to hide from myself once again.  I realize that now.  But I needed that time, just me and God, to reflect and gain a testimony of my carelessness, my infidelity of trust and lack of respect.  I needed to feel alone.  I needed to feel rejected of God although I never was... I needed to feel that separation from Him.  I placed that separation there.  I did it.  And, although my addiction was a result of challenges as a youth and child, I chose to hold it inside and not inside our marriage.

I remember attending my first addiction recovery meeting.  I sat among brothers who had endured many years of similar despair, deceit and delusions.  So many stories had
almost identical paths...nearly identical curiosities, trials, struggles and reactions and then ultimately hidden challenges.  But, here they were sharing their struggles, some new to the meeting and others more in control of their lives.  And here I was.  I sobbed heavily as I shared some details of my life and current struggles and how dejected and pained my wife then was.  I hurt more than I ever thought possible.  I also felt love and compassion and safety, I felt accepted and heard stories of success.  It felt wonderful.  But as I drove home I felt Satan attacking me in my thoughts.  Telling me it would be better if I didn't exist and were to ultimately get into a car accident.  I knew this was wrong but I felt that maybe my wife and kids would be better off.  It's interesting, how Satan disguises what seems to be caring for others within our own selfish pity and desires to run and hide.  I learned that his course has been tried for generations and the reasons there are so many similarities between the men's stories is because Satan has perfected his ungodly mess and practices.  I felt both the presence of God in that meeting...His Spirit was in such amazing abundance and I felt Satan attempting to keep me from completing a true process of repentance that would take many months and years to complete.

Is God and heaven real?  Absolutely and unequivocally yes!  I have not seen Him in this life.  I have not spoken with him in audible words.  But the pains that have been lifted from my life.  The honesty I have been able to experience, the satisfaction in my present relationship with God, the feelings of guilt that have been lifted from me, the lessons I have learned in how to better communicate and truly "listen" to my wife, the focus that I have found in work and study, the joy I feel daily in simple things and the beauty I now see in life only attest to that fact in all reality that there is a God, there is God and his Son Jesus Christ and the atonement is real!